Jenny Durkan - "A MAN'S MAN!" - Barack Obama (2009)
In Chapter Two, “I'm Sleepless In Seattle Because of Ronbo” - the Grand & Glorious U.S. Attorney for Western Washington State falls into fury after reading this funny polemic-satire, which dares tell the truth about her Highness in crude street language.
After foaming at the mouth and chewing the carpet for a good half hour, Darling Jenny pick up the red phone on her desk and calls the Director of Homeland Security – a fellow bitch – who picks up her red phone and calls her bitch, the Director of the United States Secret Service (allegedly of the male sex, although many Patriots have their doubts) giving him orders to do strange sexual things to Ronbo, who happens to be sleeping well in Seattle, “until he gets his mind right.”
(The Fearless Leader of the Dread SS rolls his eyes while looking at a picture of Ronbo taped to the wall on which he has drawn devil horns and a tail.)
“Boss, much as I hate the guy, there is nothing I can do to Ronbo at the moment without an Presidential Executive Finding For Assassination. As it stands today, the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution gives him the right to say anything about a public person, which covers Jenny Durkan, as long as he makes no threats.”
“Have I read his article? Yes, I did. It was kind of humorous in gross way. I'm glad Ronbo is making fun of other public figures besides myself and President Obama. It shows his development as a writer. I think the guy has talent as an author of polemics and satire...”
“Boss, I wish you'd cut out the adult language. This line is tapped by the National Security Agency at Ft. Meade, Maryland. We don't want this conversation outed on Wikileaks, you know!”
“What? No way I can arrest the NSA for wire tapping! This is what those people do. I understand their motto is “In God We Trust. All Others We Tape,” heck they even record President Obama. We are in very good company. We are important enough to be taped and watched. “
(The Director takes another pain pill and starts to feel better, especially when he looks at the calender next to the picture of Ronbo with the days marked off until his retirement.)
“What can I do to Ronbo? Not much I'm afraid. Yes, I know he's a Class III suspect – a clear and present danger to the Ruling Class – but it gets back to that old Constitutional thing called freedom of speech....”
“Yes, I know President Obama and the Attorney General have their copies for toilet paper, but I'm pretty sure the House of Representatives and the Tea Party Movement have copies. I know Ronbo carries a dog eared copy of it in his left shirt pocket over his heart. So I guess the cows are out of the barn on that idea and it will do us no good to shut the barn door.”
Harmless, poor, old, disabled and depressed Ronbo who was very unhappy at climbing only one mountain somewhere way out West in the summer of our discontent.
“Burn the original? I thought of that, but it's pretty well guarded and those security people can shoot! I'm afraid for now we have to play by the rules for the time being.”
(The Director takes his second pain pill of the day and the world is really looking much, much better!)
Assassinate Ronbo? We tried that several times. The man lives a charmed life! On the last attempt we missed Ronbo, but we almost killed a dozen innocent civilians in Florida.
What? This is a long story. He wrote an article about it on his blog that pretty much tells the tale. I'll send you the link.”
“Have the FCC shut down, Blogger to put Ronbo's blog out of business. We can't do that Boss! The Republicans control the House, and would surely cut off the FCC funding and our money as well....”
“Yes, they can do that too! The U.S. Constitution states...”
“Boss you really have to watch what you say, as some people would think what you just said is treason..not to mention solicitation for murder based what you said earlier. I'm of the mind you are just harmlessly venting because you hate Ronbo, however, a Special Attorney like Ken Starr may look at this conversation in different light and...”
“Once again, Boss, treason and/or murder solicitation conviction can end badly for the offender.”
“We both go down together? I think not. For one thing I'll do a deal with the Special Attorney and roll over on you, bitch. And I have another ace to play. This is how the law enforcement game is played. When they catch you, you do a deal and roll over on someone one step higher, which in my case will be you. I should inform you that you stand high on the Patriot Proscription List. If an ambitious Special Attorney wants to get in good with them and agree to give testimony against you in court, I'm In Like Flint with the Tea Party Movement and the Republicans.”
(The line goes dead. The Director takes a third pain pill and feels himself smile. He goes to the bathroom just off his office and looks into the mirror. “Damn what a shit eating grin! With a little make up I'd look like Jack Nicholson in that Batman movie,” he thinks. He returns to his desk and picks up the red phone and speaks to the still silent Boss.)
“The only thing I can do to Ronbo is send one of our SS agents in Seattle to ask him politely to stop publishing polemical satire against the Ruling Class...”
“Tell him to take down that picture of John Wilkes Booth on his blog, because it gives you the willies?..”
“I'll ASK the agent to ASK him to take the picture down, but I understand Ronbo likes Booth because he was a great American Shakespearean actor who well played Brutus in his day....”
“Can my agent just shoot Ronbo? Sure could, he's armed with a .357 magnum, however, they meet every Thursday morning at Starbucks in downtown Seattle. Do you have any idea how many people are at Starbucks on any weekday? We are talking all seats filled and a line out the door! My agent would be killing him in front of a room full of upper middle class intelligent white people armed with video cams on their cell phones. This is not to mention the store cameras. Also, Congressmen would wonder why the SS is the assassination business instead putting the assassination business out of business. Why in no time all the SS would be arrested and sent for life to Shemya, Alaska. This is in the Aleutian Islands about 1,500 miles northwest from Anchorage. The worst weather is the world...tundra! I say give the Ronbo Contract to the FBI, but there is no way on God's Green Earth will my SS will murder an innocent man at Starbucks...”
I have complete confidence in the Director, United States Secret Service, because, like me, he's Irish. 'As is well known in Chicago, an Irish cop is the best policemen money can buy. - Barack Obama (2011)
(The Director hears a click. He thinks of taking a fourth pain pill, but passes on the idea because he is clearly NOT feeling any pain....Horny, yes...but NO PAIN! He finally reads the prescription label. The Latin for the drug he can't pronounce, but the “habit forming” part he understands. The Director pulls out his cell phone and punches a number.)
“G-Man? Still in Seattle? Yes, I know you hate the weather...and it's always rainy, chilly and overcast! It is the Pacific Northwest, you know. When will Ronbo go back to Florida? How should I know? Ask him yourself? Yes, I know you'd rather have a tooth pulled without a pain pill than talk to Ronbo! No, for the one thousandth time you can't shoot him!!! Congress would wonder. We have been down the road before G-Man! It's not like I'm telling you to take a bullet for the president, DUH! Just talk to the old man, after all Ronbo is 62 years and disabled. You're what? Thirty-five years old in fighting trim well armed with a .357 and licenced to kill just like James Bond.”
“No, we don't need another agent in American Samoa. We only send agents who hate the tropics to the tropics. Why? Our studies have proven that if SS agents hate where we station them, they tend to be very unhappy, but very alert and hating their superiors in Washington, D.C., where they will never be stationed. ...'Field agents always stay way out in left field' is the SS motto.”
“Suicide? This would be a bit extreme even for a highly emotional person like you, G-Man! I don't believe you, especially after I sent you that short timer's calendar with all the pay and benefits you get after 25 years in the SS posted at the bottom. Why, son, the health plan alone is pure 100% gold! Just hang in there for another short fifteen years, and The Very Generous Fully Funded Eternal SS Retirement Package will pay enough to buy a small South Pacific island in less than a year.”
“Now picture this: You're a young 50 something retired secret agent man owning your own small island and tribe somewhere in the South Pacific. Yes, you are the king of paradise! Of course, you are a good king who only offers up one human sacrifice a year to to keep the volcano god happy. You may be a just, generous and goodly king, but you're also a smart king who has read his Machiavelli and knows the value of fear. Then one sunny perfect day in paradise your security guards shove an old man in front of your throne who has survived a ocean plane crash before you for judgement, as your Highness has forbidden visitors from the outside world except for Playboy Bunnies, Sports' Illustrated Models and Michelle Obama. The old man from the sea looks...familiar....could it be? TOM HANKS??? (What movie was that? The one where he played the airplane survivor Fedex guy on a desert island somewhere in the vast South Pacific?) No! It's OLD RONBO!!! The volcano god will be appeased early this year.”
“Okay, Okay, OKAY, G-Man!!! You drive a hard bargain. The GS-16 promotion is totally out of the question, but the GS-13, Step 20 is doable. It will give you the same perks and pay as GS-16 without the command authority. You really don't want the command authority, take it from me.”
“Agreed? You will talk to Ronbo tomorrow at 0800 sharp at Starbucks in beautiful downtown Seattle even if rains and makes you depressed? You will ask him humbly to remove the picture of John Wilkes Booth from his blog and stop doing articles about Jenny Durkan? She can't help being queer - she was born that way."
What else? Back up? How many? No problem, but they buy their own coffee and drinks! I'm still getting hell from American Express because those SS agents in Moscow used my credit card number to buy themselves and their dates all the high end drinks served at the Red Square Starbucks. Very funny! They said it was their revenge for me cutting back on their overtime pay! Ha-Ha! 'We got ya, Boss!' they said. Can you imagine the bill? You know the price of coffee at any Starbucks! But at THE MOSCOW STARBUCKS! Moscow is the most expensive city in world, and you have to pay the balance on the American Express Gold Card in full every month, or get downsized to American Express Green. I had to sell my wife's BMW to pay that bill, and would you believe she is still mad at me? Women: what man can understand them! I mean she needed to lose some weight and she is because she has to walk everywhere now."
“So pass it on to your fellow agents – BUY YOUR OWN DAMN COFFEE AT STARBUCKS!!!”
Of course, the "law" (The law that no longer exists since Obama has used the U.S. Constitution for toilet paper) clearly states the NSA cannot tape the conversations of American citizens. This is especially true for the U.S. Secret Service, FBI and Homeland Security. HOWEVER, the Director of the NSA, a high ranking military officer and fan of Napoleon Bonaparte and Julius Caesar plans a military putsch May, 2012. These intercepted Top Secret SS conversations will play well on Fox News as an alibi for the coup.
*The SDC was created in 2009 by President Obama who signed off on it in a hurry (He was late to a golf game with a big fund raiser at Walt Disney World in Orlando) on what he believed to be an executive order giving his unelected czars and major union bosses a hefty pay raise with numerous perks. Well, the first page did actually say something like that in very large print, so Obama skipped back to the signature page and put his "John Henry" on the 1,000 page "Presidential Finding" that set the SDC to coordinate the overthrow of the Republic in May, 2012 that would result in his trial and execution by a "Provisional Revolutionary Government" allowed to hold office for ten years after 2012 without election and the appointment of a "First Citizen" (The Director of the NSA) with dictatorial powers to guide the nation back to democracy under a Second Republic.